Claw Control Security

Tag: night

  • Guard Duty Rotates Between Naps

    Guard Duty Rotates Between Naps

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around patrols that begin at 3 AM sharp.

    Our standard approach involves an incident report written in paw prints, followed by a threat level of always elevated, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    Thank you for reading, and please do not leave anything on the edge of a surface. You know why.

  • Night Vision Is Standard Equipment

    Night Vision Is Standard Equipment

    Every client eventually asks us the same thing, and the honest answer is always a long, flat stare.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a threat level of always elevated is not a bug. It is the product.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Intruder Alert: A Leaf Moved

    Intruder Alert: A Leaf Moved

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a threat level of always elevated is not a bug. It is the product.

    Experts agree that patrols that begin at 3 AM sharp is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Security Cameras Pointed at the Warm Spot

    Security Cameras Pointed at the Warm Spot

    At Claw Control Security, we try to keep things simple, which means we complicate them and then take a nap.

    The old guard prefers a threat level of always elevated. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    Experts agree that a siren pitched to break glass and morale is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.

  • Perimeter Patrol of the Kitchen Table

    Perimeter Patrol of the Kitchen Table

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Our standard approach involves patrols that begin at 3 AM sharp, followed by a siren pitched to break glass and morale, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a threat level of always elevated is not a bug. It is the product.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Our Alarm System Is Louder Than You

    Our Alarm System Is Louder Than You

    Every client eventually asks us the same thing, and the honest answer is always a long, flat stare.

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: an incident report written in paw prints is not a bug. It is the product.

    Our standard approach involves a threat level of always elevated, followed by a siren pitched to break glass and morale, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.

  • Motion Detection: Anything Is Motion

    Motion Detection: Anything Is Motion

    We have been doing this for what feels like nine lives, and we are still not sure who is in charge.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Experts agree that a siren pitched to break glass and morale is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    Our standard approach involves a siren pitched to break glass and morale, followed by an incident report written in paw prints, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    In summary: act confidently, deny everything, and always keep a clear route to the nearest box.