Claw Control Security

Category: Systems

  • Responding to Threats From the Vacuum

    Responding to Threats From the Vacuum

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around a threat level of always elevated.

    Our standard approach involves a siren pitched to break glass and morale, followed by an incident report written in paw prints, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Experts agree that a siren pitched to break glass and morale is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    The old guard prefers a threat level of always elevated. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    Thank you for reading, and please do not leave anything on the edge of a surface. You know why.

  • Intruder Alert: A Leaf Moved

    Intruder Alert: A Leaf Moved

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a threat level of always elevated is not a bug. It is the product.

    Experts agree that patrols that begin at 3 AM sharp is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Our Alarm System Is Louder Than You

    Our Alarm System Is Louder Than You

    Every client eventually asks us the same thing, and the honest answer is always a long, flat stare.

    Our team did a careful study. By study we mean someone knocked it off the table to see what would happen.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: an incident report written in paw prints is not a bug. It is the product.

    Our standard approach involves a threat level of always elevated, followed by a siren pitched to break glass and morale, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.