Claw Control Security

Category: Incidents

  • Smart Locks and Dumb Doors

    Smart Locks and Dumb Doors

    Every client eventually asks us the same thing, and the honest answer is always a long, flat stare.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Our standard approach involves a threat level of always elevated, followed by an incident report written in paw prints, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: patrols that begin at 3 AM sharp is not a bug. It is the product.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Access Control for the Closed Bathroom Door

    Access Control for the Closed Bathroom Door

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Our standard approach involves a threat level of always elevated, followed by patrols that begin at 3 AM sharp, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Experts agree that a threat level of always elevated is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    The old guard prefers a siren pitched to break glass and morale. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    That is all for now. We are told there is a sunbeam going to waste, and a professional never lets that happen.

  • Perimeter Patrol of the Kitchen Table

    Perimeter Patrol of the Kitchen Table

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Our standard approach involves patrols that begin at 3 AM sharp, followed by a siren pitched to break glass and morale, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a threat level of always elevated is not a bug. It is the product.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.