Claw Control Security

Tag: alarm

  • Responding to Threats From the Vacuum

    Responding to Threats From the Vacuum

    Nobody tells you this when you start out, but the real work begins around a threat level of always elevated.

    Our standard approach involves a siren pitched to break glass and morale, followed by an incident report written in paw prints, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    Experts agree that a siren pitched to break glass and morale is essential. Experts also agree that this is a very long way of asking for a snack.

    The old guard prefers a threat level of always elevated. The new guard prefers whatever is on the other side of the door.

    Thank you for reading, and please do not leave anything on the edge of a surface. You know why.

  • Night Vision Is Standard Equipment

    Night Vision Is Standard Equipment

    Every client eventually asks us the same thing, and the honest answer is always a long, flat stare.

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a threat level of always elevated is not a bug. It is the product.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    Naturally there was a committee. Naturally the committee was a pile of boxes, and naturally one box was occupied.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.

  • Perimeter Patrol of the Kitchen Table

    Perimeter Patrol of the Kitchen Table

    A reader wrote in this week with a question that deserves a serious answer, so here is an unserious one.

    Our standard approach involves patrols that begin at 3 AM sharp, followed by a siren pitched to break glass and morale, followed by a brief and unexplained sprint.

    The Short Version, Told Slowly

    If you take only one thing from this, take this: a threat level of always elevated is not a bug. It is the product.

    We asked a customer for feedback. They looked at us, blinked slowly, and left a single hair on the form.

    If you have questions, our office hours are three to four in the morning, or whenever we feel like it.